someday maybe
1. I started my summer class at the U today. Not 100% sure that was the best idea, considering I don’t have the best memory right now, but I don’t want to sit around and not do anything all summer. So my options were either more treatment or school, so I chose the better one.
2. Sometimes I think that I need to get away from tumblr, especially when I want to rip out my hair at numerous posts. But I am, like, addicted to it- it is an area in which I can compare (classy, right?) I am so disgusting for admitting it, but, hey, at least I did?
3. I am scared about my puppy.
4. If someone doesn’t make a comment on my weight, I get scared that it is not a big deal, that I don’t need help, that everything is “okay” which is fine when things are okay, but I am not sure that is the case right now. (and I don’t know if I want to be okay or not…) I am also not gifted with knowing where I am, like where I stand, so I look for external cues to help come to that conclusion.
5. I am so sunburned. I think there are blisters on my shoulders and it hurts to move.
6. I am nervous about being here alone, taking care of everything.
7. One of my oldest friends said something very hurtful to me, about how I, “go AWOL when I don’t get to do things on my own terms”. Like I said, it was hurtful, probably because it is true.
8. I hate my fat ass body.
(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders, via faith-hope-recovery92)
today has not been the best of days.
My scale is so screwed up. Saturday it showed a large drop, Sunday it showed another drop, then today it is up- it is so inconsistant. I just can’t win with it. If I go to what I had eaten the previous week, I know that my metabolism will slow down, and my weight won’t go down anymore. So I have to eat this way too much amount. I hate myself. I hate everything about me.
I tried calling my RD (again) to talk to me about my weight and meal plan for advice and support. I tried doing that on Thursday as well; she has YET to return either call. I feel really supported and cared about. Speaking of cared about, I had an appointment with the doctor on Thursday and arrived 15 min early. I had another appointment following her time slot, and she was so late (for the third time in a row) that I went to my other appointment. The nurse told me to come back after and I could see her. I did, and she was busy. So I guess I don’t matter. Thanks for telling me something I already know.
Now, here is the hardest thing. My dog was sick over the weekend, and today I took her to the U of M Vet clinic. They ran some tests, and it does not look good. I have never lost an animal before. I don’t want to process it right now, but I am just so exhausted. I hope she is not in pain. She is not herself, and hopefully she will get her spunk back.
I just hope my doggy knows how much I love her.
(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders, via pocketfullof321)
(Source: confessionsabouteatingdisorders)
there’s a 97% chance i don’t feel like handling life right now. okayyyy.
(via emergingsoul)
These past few days have not been the best. Last week, I started counting calories unlike I have in the past, and it has gotten out of control this last week. I finally spoke with my RD, about what “number” I should eat to maintain instead of lose, and I am so afraid to get near that number. I have obsessively been checking online to find out the “right” number that a food is, scared that I am miscalculating it. It used to be like, I will have X breads a day at X calories, but I don’t even know anymore. Now it is numbers, calculations, everything running through my head. I just DO NOT want to go into treatment, I have finally gotten somewhat thin enough. My inside feelings are finally starting to show on the outside. I still only see fat, and weight that I want to lose. In fact, I feel like these past few days my weight has gone up soo fast. I’m sorry if this is negative or what not, or hard to understand. I am not making sense anymore. I know no one is going to come and save me, so I don’t even care anymore.
